No matter how accomplished we are, everyone is plagued with self doubt. It's that nagging voice that makes you wonder if you are really as capable as others perceive you to be.
I was excited about the opportunity to travel to Haiti and aid the people of Port au Prince and Milot. As the time grew closer, I wondered if I could handle the variety of surgical procedures, as well as the need to do amputations on children and be immersed in suffering. Even the note from CRUDEM said to be prepared to work above your comfort zone. I discussed this with friends and family, all of whom assured me I'd be fine. After all, I was a Professor of Surgery and had led a department through some difficult times. I rationally knew they were right, but didn't really get it until I left for Milot and was surrounded by the volunteers who served with me. In the Fort Lauderdale airport, I was traveling alone, but saw a group of nurses clearly on the same charter flight. We spoke on the plane to Cap and shared our hopes and fears. I knew it would be OK when they asked if we could stop for scotch on the way to the compound. There was a silent acknowledgment of the task ahead, and a clear understanding that we would watch out for each other.
Every night around 6 pm, the staff would gather on the porch, have a cool drink, and talk about what they had seen and done that day. As is the case in any medical group, the stories were of great cases and recurring frustrations. We shared how different it was from being at home. At the nightly staff meeting I led, I tried to open up discussion about concerns I had heard and seen earlier. Initially people were hesitant, but as the week wore on, and experiences were shared, the stories and self doubts came out. But by exposing our vulnerabilities out of the shadows, we all grew stronger. Later at night, often when I was composing my blog on the porch, I would watch small groups talking among themselves. The body language showed a sense of trust and openness.
Today was the first Saturday morning that I've been back in time to run with "The Handsome Men." We are a group of professionals, doctors, lawyers, professors, and accountants aged 45-62. We gather year round at 730 and run for 1-2 hours. The topics are typical guy things - sports, politics, jokes, stories of teenage children run amok. But as the run goes on, we tend to break into smaller groups of 2 or 3. The rhythm of the pace and the endorphins lead to different conversations - job challenges, advice about new opportunities, thoughts about the future. We may get together one other time during the week, and don't see each other routinely at work, but there's a sense of trust that pervades.
So you might wonder where the Handsome Men title came from. A while back 5 of us were running on a cold day. There was ice on the sidewalks and we were passing a hardware store when an attractive woman in her forties walked out of the store, slipped and fell on the ice. All 5 stopped and went over to check on her. She was fine, and we helped her to her feet. She looked around and said "This must be my lucky day - rescued by 4 handsome men!"
We began our run again up the hill in silence, each of us reliving years of high school angst. Finally someone spoke up:
"OK guys, who's the one?"
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